How Great Sex Made Me a Good Mom

How to create a romantic setting even when baseballs threaten

I love candles. During my freshman year in college I saw a multi-colored wax-covered candle mountain on the hardwood floor of a tripping stoner girl. I was entranced. She had countless stick candles in the colors of rich jewels on the tops of a collection of empty wine bottles. Maybe it was more like candle island instead of candle mountain. Originally the candlesticks had been stuck into a bottle top but soon enough she just had perched candles into the mound wherever they would stay put. Like lava on the Big Island suddenly a mini molten river would breakthrough and push the edge of her island out further. From many burnings, the wax had made this lovely sculpture of rippling peaks and valleys that clearly said volumes about it’s creator. Indulgence and pleasure and beauty were her priorities more than a clean floor. And she must be rolling around doing something for those candles to have so much time to burn. Mellow, sex, laughter, stoner girl getting laid while listening to great music then having after-sex deep talks about the world. I liked her priorities.

My roommates and I stole her idea and I had my own candle mountain one day. I bought stick candles by the dozens at my local witchy shop. Then I moved to San Francisco. More candles, more love. When I met my wife I learned about the Catholic candles in glass. She had lots of those with Saints on them. We burned those too. If I had sex indoors then I wanted to have sex by candlelight. Everyone feels better and looks better in candlelight. Even in our movies we have low beautiful lighting not garish spots.

Then we became moms. With our first child we still used candles while he was a baby. Giving him lavender baths by candlelight to soothe his nerves. But soon enough he was rambunctious and then we signed up for another child which doubled the fun. I envisioned flying balls breaking candles and their holders so the beautifully lit world got packed up when we moved and never got unpacked. My wife we jokingly–well not so jokingly–call “The Safety Monitor.” But I didn’t even need her to tell me on this one. Two of our friends homes burned down due to–both times–house sitters burning candles and forgetting about them.

For the first years of parenting we had sex in the …where? Okay let me think. We did have sex. Yes yes I remember talking about it or needing it. I definitely know we had sex because I didn’t kill anyone due to a bad hormonal imbalance.Yes yes something is ringing a bell. We did have sex. But I always got upset about lighting and music. I wanted the closet light on with the door almost-but-not-quite shut. Just so. Frustrated that our CD player ended up in the boys room for nursery rhymes. YOU try to get something sexy on a clock radio! Finally finding a 70s channel is the best one can do. Believe me I have put time into this.

Then our teenager came home. For the boys we have sound machine in their room so that they wouldn’t wake each other up in their various stages of growth and sleep troubles. But what about Marmar? He would be able to hear everything. Argg. Just when the little ones are going to bed on time and leaving us alone we get a teenager! And you know those teens. They are always prowling around in the middle of the night eating cereal and texting. And examining themselves in the bathroom mirror thinking that you are asleep and won’t bug them. Or stealing my facial masks and hair conditioner to do a beauty treatment right when we need to sneak into the bathroom to clean sex toys! I digress. Did I mention we only have one bathroom?

Back to the sound issue.When Marmar first moved in I really learned a lot more about what our cable station had to offer. First off I had never used all the music on demand. He is a dancer and practices endlessly to the music videos of his choosing. I found out who Dannity Kane was and The Pussycat Dolls, this was a couple of years ago. Then there was the Beyonce “Single Ladies” months with the whole family joining in on that one. And of course Lady Gaga and Rihianna. He loves BET (Black Entertainment Network) so I watched that too. It was BET that saved the day or rather the night for us.

One night when we tired as usual but quite desperate to be each other’s arms I just really needed romance with the sex. I couldn’t take one more minute of quiet humping in the dark! I knew that I had seen some station that played many music videos in a row with Marmar. I tried to find it on demand with no luck. All the ones I saw were one video at a time. So I had to actually get up and put a robe on to ask him, just oh so casually, like I wanted to educate myself about R&B video on a random tuesday night at 10:55PM, “Honey what was that station that had the videos?”
“music choice”
“No not that one. The one with many playing a row.”
“BET Midnight Love….Where did you hide the Oreos?” Him yelling.
“Don’t wake up the boys. Behind the soup. …THANKS…” me half yelling down the stairs.

And that’s how we started having sex to the light and sounds of Midnight Love on BET on demand. It’s 44 minutes of R&B love songs. Sometimes they have 2 or 3 choices on demand but sometimes only one so we have to restart it when the lovin is going good. That’s okay it’s better than KBAY AM on the alarm clock speakers! My honey did branch out of safety monitor mode to buy me a fancy candle from GoodVibes. I think it is supposed to turn into massage oil or something. But unfortunately I hid the matches so well we can’t light it.