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Harnessing Pleasure

Click HERE to listen to my answer on Love, Life, Sex

Dear Femmepress Shar–

I am a 47 yr old ftm who adores his sweetheart. My girlfriend loves being fucked with a strap-on [harness with dildo], but I am unable to feel anything when I use one. I’ve got both a leather harness and a Spare Parts harness, but neither one “hits” me in the right spot. Now, of course, I don’t need to get off every time I f*ck her, but it would be awesome if I could feel physical pleasure at the same time– you know? I have friends who rave about the spare parts harness, but I can’t seem to keep it secured close enough to my body– which also creates an issue of not feeling like I have great control of my cock.

I’m wondering if a different type of cock—if there is one—would be helpful? Something that curves back towards my tiny penis?



Dear L,

Thank you for writing with this very important question. Your sweetie sounds like one lucky lady. First off let’s start with your harness. The SpareParts Joque harness does have rave reviews–that’s why you got it. But I have to say it’s kinda like Trains, Planes & Automobiles of harnesses. Velcro, big elastics, little elastics, tiny clamps, pouches, rings, and curtains!!


The good news is they did all this to make folks comfortable. These designers took comfort and wearability serious! You can wear this bad boy all night. But you do need to fuss with it to get it right.


1) ALONE, with all the lights on, in front of a mirror–OR two–adjust your harness and get it snug and right for your body. Familiarize yourself when you are not in a sexual setting.


2) Set the big straps to fit you. There is a lot of velcro going on and folding, figure it out and get it your size.

3) Set the legs straps to fit you.

**At this point, you should be able to take it on and off without setting it again. It has elastic so that it can be pulled on so that one does not have to do this major adjustment each time.**

4) Put any cock into it. Now you are ready to tighten up.


5) Experiment with the smaller straps.

There are 2 “pull straps” that you can give a tug on while you are in the act or in the dark to get your fit snug.


The Joque goes well under clothes as there are no big metal buckles or leather that cuts into you. This harness rides low so the cock-ring can be in a good spot.
There are little curtains (my word) to cover up the base of the dildo if you feel your hair being pulled when you are fucking.  If you don’t mind shaving downstairs, try shaving then placing the base  directly (sans curtains) over your penis. ( to those with clits over your clit) Does that feel good to you? The pounding and pumping with the silicone directly on you can feel awesome and do the job for many folks.

You could put a vibrating cock ring on your dildo, that oftentimes pleasures both partners.

If that doesn’t do the trick, SpareParts has another surprise: there is a little pouch that can hold a silver bullet vibe or vibrating egg.

Last but not least you asked about dildos. Regarding your idea of a base with a little nub or ledge coming back at ya–HELLO attention toy designers. What a great idea. Send your prototypes to me and I will get them to L. There is the nexus by Vixen which is good if you enjoy penetration in your bonus hole. The nexus does have a little ledge for outer stimulation for the wearer.

So that’s hopefully some fun homework for you. Let me know if any of it works!



Here’s what I copied from the SpareParts Website so read on if you want the details: “This vegan hand-made harness is designed to be comfortable and convenient. With a velcro strap that adjusts in a snap, the SpareParts Joque Harness easily adapts to your size and shape. Fashionable and flexible, the front piece includes a built-in elastic o-ring that can accommodate toys up to two inches wide. Double dildos, dildos (flared bases) and even external vibes can be placed in the pleasure pouch. Perfect for packing, the mesh-lined backing allows for breathability with all-day wear. Get wet in this hardware-free harness! With no metal parts to rust, you can use the Joque as a jock while playing water sports. After getting down and dirty, this washable harness can be cleaned by hand or in the machine.”

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