How Great Sex Made Me a Good Mom

if you would like to listen to my answer instead of reading it, click here to learn about SwirlRadio.

Hi Shar! Huge fan!!!

So my question….
I made a terrible mistake in my marriage…(multiple cheating) and I’m trying so hard to prove to my wife how sorry I am and how I do love her… I feel so horrid and beat myself up.

About us…We have been together for 4 years…married for almost 3. We love each other more than people think. We truly are complete opposites…. I love music piercings, kinda punky. She’s clean cut and nerdy. She helps me stay grounded…i try to add the randomness. I love her and promised her forever and I want forever!!

What can I do? I dont want to lose her…Can we fix this??

~

Thanks Dayna!

 

This is an important question and yes I have the answer to it. Thanks for your courage to write it.

This is not about polyamory. That’s a whole different ballgame. Let’s focus on what you said.

You have lied multiple times so how can she trust anything you say again? Also, I hear you saying that she wonders SINCE  you lied then HOW can you truly love her?

I can help but be warned, its going to be a long road to walk but if you do really love your wife and want to be with her forever then what’s a couple of years of purgatory?

 

The burden of proof is in your court. She does not need to do anything. If she calls, you answer. If you are late for 5 seconds you stop what you are doing and call to say you will be late. You do things that easily can prove you were not with another woman. Invite your wife to everything–the gym, your work for lunch, your band practice. Whatever it is—it need not be private again for a long time. Where there are landlines provide landlines. If you leave work at 6 call from work’s landline at 6 and be home in the appropriate time. She should have all your friend’s numbers if they are friends she trust–that way if you say you are with Bill then she calls Bill and says “hand the phone to Dayna” then by golly Bill better be able to hand you the phone. Sounds ridiculous but hey you lied so now we have to prove that you don’t anymore.

 

Was alcohol involved? If so then that’s a pretty easy one to change right? I always say if you don’t wanna ride a horse then get outta the barn.

 

Take responsibility and take a beating. Don’t defend yourself by attacking her. If she is crazy and paranoid –it’s because of your action. LIke I’ve said before when someone doesn’t like what they hear: I’m not the news I just report it. What I mean is if you don’t like her actions–guess what that’s you in a mirror. She is reflecting an insecure paranoid untrusting wife WHY because you aren’t trustworthy and you made her that way.

 

Some people say “your relationship is worth fighting for.” I say, “Actually its worth NOT fighting for.” What I mean is that let it go of offense and defense. Everything is your fault and if she stirs the dust YOU let it settle and do not add to the tornado. And I do know and so does she that everything isn’t really your fault. But if you want to save your marriage instead of nit-picking her or like I said, stirring up the dust, just take it. Baby, you can do it. Just take it and let the storm pass . Be loving and fuck her and be your fun self.

 

Here’s the good news–if you can take it. You will get to the other side. You will. She will start to trust you again. She will. You two love each other and are great.

 

[Here's a let-me-be-your-best-friend-and-slap-you-now tip: by golly just about the time she does trust you do NOT ask to drive an Ex to the airport or bring the person chicken soup. Sick people have other friends who can bring them chicken soup. They find rides to the airport without you. ]

 

To your wife I say, I know your mind is racing. You want to spy on her, you want to hire detectives. You don’t understand why she did all this. No matter how strong you are or present, you have times where you ask yourself did you do something or not do something to lead to this. That’s not all bad. Don’t take blame but DO benefit from new honesty and connection. Also, DO f*ck her brains out like you’ve got something to prove. Go ahead it’s fun. Speaking of sex, regarding the sexual part of this transgression. I do not like lying. But regarding the sex part–I have to tell you that I firmly believe that the sex meant nothing to her. That’s no reason to break your relationship agreements or lie but I am just telling you so that you won’t worry or feel bad about that. Regarding my HOW question in the beginning: if she does all this to fix it well then Darlin’, she loves ya.

 

Back to you both, the openness and connection Dayna now feels toward her wife is a benefit. It’s now lopsided so you two have to keep being vulnerable and honest until it gets even-keeled again. If you do, you two will be a stronger and happier couple. Challenges lead to strength when both partners are committed, are kind good people, and don’t hide behind bullish*t.

 

Blessings!

 

Femmepress Shar

 

Dayna won a vibrator donated by Good Vibrations!